Being a Mother

The greatest joy and the most heartache come from being a mother.  Nobody ever tells you what it’s going to be really like.  It seems that you can never really know the feelings that a mother has in her lifetime unless you are one.  For years I was a single mother, raising 2 girls.  When I divorced their father, I was devastated and not knowing what to do.  I was in a strange state, having moved for my husband’s career.  I was totally oblivious to the fact that he had been cheating and wanted out of the marriage.  Fortunately, I was working as a teacher at the time.  After the initial shock, I made the decision to move myself and my daughters to Florida.  The year was 1998 and I had an eight year old and a five year old.  I was lucky that my mom and dad were already living down there and I really needed my family.  I did a lot of thinking before making the decision.  Would it be the wrong thing to move my daughters away from their father?  He wasn’t that interested in being a father but my girls needed that figure in their lives, didn’t they?  And what about my job?  I loved teaching and I had no idea if I could get a job in Florida.  I also had just bought a new home by myself.  Was I ready to leave?  I prayed and prayed for the answer.  I knew in my heart what I had to do and I made the decision to pack up the u-haul and get out of North Carolina and made my way down to Florida.

Looking back on it now, I feel as if I made the right decision.  We did great, the three of us.  The girls were happy to be near their grandparents and I eventually got a job teaching fourth grade in a catholic school.  Life was good.  Over the years, I did meet someone and remarried.  We all moved to Ohio.  For a while, we were okay but the girls were getting older, meeting boys and deciding their own directions in life.

My oldest, Amanda started dating a boy and moved in with him.  That eventually ended.  Now, at 27, she is with a new man and I feel that she still is unsure of what to do in her life.  She works two jobs in the food service industry but I know as her mother that her love is art.  There are times that I wish I could help her, that I could tell her that this guy is just not the right one for her.  I want her to be happy, successful and glad to be doing the thing that she loves.  I guess like everyone, she has to figure out her own life.  But as her mother, I want to fix everything and make her life easy.  It hurts to know that I have no control.

The youngest, Jessica is the most like me.  Impulsive and looking for adventure.  I feel like she never stops to think about what she is doing.  She ended up dating a man who lead her completely down the wrong path.  That path included drugs, living in a car and being totally distant to her family.  The pain associated with this still makes me unable to breathe.  I can’t tell you the amount of times that I drove around looking for her, sought out old friends and tried to find out what she was doing.  The best thing about this pain was that my relationship with God became stronger.  Believe me when I tell you that I wanted to give up, wanted to drink a lot and just wanted to cry all the time.  But I turned to God and church and prayer.  Eventually, Jessica was arrested and that seemed to turn  life around for her.  I believe it was a wake up call for her.  She got away from that man and moved in with her sister.  She has not talked to me, saying that she is not ready to forgive me yet.  This statement makes me crazy.  Forgive me?  For what!  All I did was try to get her away from that man, away from the drugs, away from the bad people.  I want to go to her and scream and beg her to talk to me.  But instead I wait and trust in the Lord’s timing.  I try to remember the blessings.  She is safe.  She is free from that man.  She is living with her sister who I know loves her.  She is not living in a car.  I make it a point to pray for her everyday, to trust in the Lord and to tell myself that there are good times ahead.

I wonder if my girls will ever be mothers.  I wonder if they will ever know the pain, pride, heartache and joy of being a mother.  I wonder if they will ever know of the sacrifices and worry I did and still do over them.  I wonder if they will forgive me for the times when I feel like I didn’t know what I was doing.  Only God knows that and only God knows of the strength, faith and hard work that it takes to be a mother.  Country singer, Luke Bryan has a song out now called, “I Believe Most People Are Good.”  In it, he sings, “And most mamas ought to qualify for sainthood.”  Well, I know that I am not a saint, far from it but I believe what Luke says is true.  Moms are the backbone of any family.  They keep the pain, joy, heartache, tears and laughter of their children deep inside their hearts forever.

 

Christmas Thoughts

As we approach the holidays, many thoughts are going on in my mind.  Thoughts of Christmas’s pasts and what the future will hold.  I guess you can call it my Scrooge moment.  But the one thing that I keep thinking about, that I keep coming back to is the traditions.  Traditions are the reason for Christmas, the reason that there is food, gifts and family.  It’s the traditions that keep Christmas alive and keep families together.

When I was a kid, Christmas was a big holiday.  We would set our tree up on Christmas Eve.  Not sure why we did that so late but it was tradition.  Mom, Dad, my brother and I would decorate the tree and the house.  Later on in the day, my Dad would get a bunch of lunch meat, cheeses, chips and other good stuff.  He would carefully arrange the meats and cheeses on the platter.  I remember this so well because my aunts and uncles and other family friends were always so amazed at how good Dad could arrange those trays.  Family and friends would show up throughout the late afternoon and evening.  Exchanging gifts, eating and drinking spiked eggnog.  At midnight, we would all go to midnight mass.  The church was crowded and decorated beautifully.  I was just a kid but I can remember the poinsettias lining the altar and the choir singing.  My Mom would always get tears in her eyes during the singing of “Silent Night”.  When I would look at her with concern, she would tell me that they were “tears of joy.”  We would come back to the house and my brother and I would go to bed but we wouldn’t sleep.  The next morning, we would run downstairs and see what Santa had brought us under the tree.  Mom would cook a big breakfast and later make a big turkey for Christmas dinner.

It was a great time and I try to recreate those memories every year.  Some years I can and some I can’t due to the new crazy of my life.  My kids are grown and scattered everywhere.  Thank God for my oldest being around.  But no matter what is happening around me, I will try my hardest to recreate those memories.  And I will hold onto those memories forever as I make new ones for my children.

Thanksgiving Guilt

I always feel a little weird around Thanksgiving.  I can remember my Mom cooking her heart out, family showing up and all the food on the table.  As the day progressed, some family members would get into arguments or heated discussions around the table.  By the end of the night, when everyone had gone home and the leftovers were put away, my Mom would sit down and take a deep breath.  “Thank God that is over,” she would say.  I was used to this and I knew that my Mom had worked so hard not only on cooking the dinner but on playing referee during these family “discussions.”  I really just did not know how she could do all that work.  It always amazed me.

Well, that was years ago and now I am the Mom.  Yikes!  So I will cook all day, make sure the house is spotless, the table neatly and beautifully set and everyone happily seated around the table.  My husband will rake leaves, mow the lawn, clean off old chairs that are needed for extra guests, and rub my shoulders when I am stressing out.  Yes, everything will be perfect.

But everything is far from perfect.  My parents are in another state.  For the last almost 10 years that I have lived in Ohio, Mom and Dad have never come out.  Yes, they are getting older and have medical issues that make it hard to travel.  I understand all of that and we have seen each other because I do travel to see them but it would have been so wonderful to have them here at my table.  I know that when I sit down to eat tomorrow, I will be thinking of them and how much I wish they were here.  My other dilemma is my children.  My oldest daughter will be here along with her boyfriend.  I am so blessed to have her and I know that but I do wish that she would further her career, that she wouldn’t have to always worry about money, that her boyfriend would get a car and a job where he could make more money.  She is 27 years old and still lives like a teen.  Will I ever see a wedding?  Will I ever see a grandchild?  My youngest daughter is another story.  She is with the wrong guy for sure, living in her car, addicted to pills which she still won’t admit.  The two of them have done so many bad things that even their friends are sick of bailing them out.  Needless to say, having her boyfriend in my house will not happen.  There is just too much bad blood.  While I don’t blame him for everything, I do admit that before he entered into my child’s life, things were going very well.  She had a great job as a medical assistant, learning x-ray technology, dealing with patients and even having the chance to go to college and become whatever she wanted.  She threw it all away for a bad guy and a stupid pill.  I want to help her so much but she won’t let me.  I am torn at whether or not to invite her for dinner.  Her older sister is so mad, hurt and angry at her.  My husband is just sick with worry about her and obviously does not have any cozy feelings about the boyfriend.  Even though I miss my baby, I can’t even count on her for my Thanksgiving table.  The youngest child, a boy also went down the wrong path.  My stepson is now spending his Thanksgiving in prison.  We pray and hope to God that when he gets out, he starts a new, sober and happy life.

So, how do I feel about this holiday?  I am aware that I should be thankful for what I have and I am.  I know that God wants me to count my blessings and I do every day, but it is so hard sometimes. I also know that this feeling of guilt, sadness and envy are ways that Satan tries to enter into our brains and cause us anguish and heartache therefore forcing us to forget about Jesus and His love for us.   I want so much for my children, I want them to have the best lives they can and I don’t want them to always have to struggle.  It physically hurts my heart to think about how much I want for them and how hard they make their lives.  My in laws will be here for dinner and yes, I do love them very much but they are not MY parents.  Why can’t my Mom and Dad be here?  My Mother-in-law also invited her friends for dinner.  They are a very nice older couple who have no where to go for Thanksgiving so I told my Mother-in-law to invite them to my dinner. But they are not my family.  Shouldn’t Thanksgiving be about family?

Yes, I have allowed the nagging, hurting thoughts to enter into my head today, the day before Thanksgiving.  I have to try hard to believe that Jesus has my heart, that He knows exactly what He is doing and that I have to trust in Him.  A favorite message enters my head and I know that Jesus put it there for me to remember.  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.” (Proverbs 3:5)  This message reminds me to put all my burdens, worry and fears in God’s hands.  I do know that He is guiding me.  All I have to do is hold out my hand.

All of us have negative thoughts once in a while.  It is natural and it is human.  The holidays are very stressful and in the midst of trying to make things perfect, we forget about the love of Jesus.  We get depressed thinking about family issues, the turkey being too dry, not enough food, arguing relatives and all the prep work, clean up and little details that bring us down.  How about for this year, we forget about all that stuff.  We should REALLY be thankful for the blessings that we are given.  That is what I have decided to do.  I will count my blessings.  Mom and Dad may not be here but I will be on the phone with them.  We will be traveling to see them in the next 2 weeks and that will be wonderful.  We will all get a chance to be together.  My youngest daughter may be in a horrible state at this time.  But I believe that one day she will be better, she will see the light.  She will make it, she is too smart not to.  There is a light inside her and I believe that it will shine bright again.  I do have that faith and I know that Jesus is watching over her.  My stepson will be out of prison in May.  I have faith that God hears my prayers and that this child will make it, he will be a better man and make the right decisions so crucial to his life.  I will enjoy every minute with my oldest daughter.  We will laugh, eat a lot and have a great time.  I am blessed for my in laws.  They will help me during the day and offer their love and happiness at the table.  The friends of theirs will also have a nice time.  I will make them feel loved, wanted and festive.  I also will remember one of my biggest blessings, my husband who always has my back and who always finds the right way to help.

It is true that we all have difficulties and it is true that the start of the holidays can cause stress and depression.  I chose to stop that this year.  I chose to listen to the Lord and be happy, positive and thankful for my home, blessings and family.  Jesus has my hand in His and I will keep holding on tight!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!  Be Blessed and trust in the Lord.

 

I Finally Figured It Out

I always like to tell the story of how I really “met” God.  Yes, I said “met” because it is the only word that I can think of to explain the moment when I felt like I got a hug from God.  Every year for the last 5, my husband and I were laid off in the winter due to our jobs which were seasonal.  Because we used to live in Florida, we always decided to take our layoff time and spend some time down south.  We would go right after Christmas and get there by New Year’s Eve.  The only way we could do this financially was to save during the summer and stay in a camper.  We bought an old 1988 Ford Econoline RV…yes, we are not millionaires so we always go cheap.  We had fun with the old girl, but went through a lot of problems on our 2 to 3 day drives over the years.  Break downs, flat tires, heating/cooling problems, crazy mechanics, you name it, we had it happen.  But, not this year, this year, we upgraded and bought a newer model travel trailer.  Ok, our pickup was kind of old, 1998 model, but we had high hopes this year.  No more breakdowns, no more being stranded in Georgia…we were going to make it down to Florida with no problems.  Everything was reserved, all our planning with money, lists and preparation over the year was going to be well worth it.  We had worked hard over the summer and we were thrilled that it was finally time to leave the cold Ohio and head south for at least 1 whole month of sun, fun and relaxation.

We made it to Georgia, then the transmission in the pickup decided to crash!  Here we were, stranded in a truck stop in Ocala during New Years Eve!  Not again!  Needless to say, we were devastated.  After trying to decide what to do, we ended up renting a uhaul to get our camper home.  We had to leave the pickup with a neighbor who lived near the truck stop and told us that it was fine to leave it parked on his property.  Thank God for this man!  We made it home and knew that we still needed to go get the pickup.  I cancelled the reservations and tried to feel cheerful.  This was the trip that we had planned for all year now totally ruined.  Luckily, I have a pretty awesome hubby who said, “let’s fly down, rent a car, spend a week in the keys, pick up the pickup and drive back home.  At least we can salvage some vacation time.”  Agreeing, I called the airlines and got us booked for the next day.  I definitely felt better.

We were leaving the next day when we heard that the airport in Fort Lauderdale was in trouble.  A shooter had shot people in the baggage claim!  We stood looking at the tv, we were leaving the next morning and flying to Fort Lauderdale!  After praying for those in trouble, we called the airline.  We were pretty much in the dark as to what to do.  I woke up at 5am, eager to check the flight status and see what was happening.  The website said the flight was cancelled…what to do now?  I remember praying very hard, trying to trust in God and let him lead us down the right path.  I was feeling very unsure about what would happen next.

By 3pm, we were sitting in the Cleveland airport waiting to get on a plane.  Our flight to Fort Lauderdale was cancelled and after waiting on hold forever, we finally decided to go to the airport and talk to someone.  They booked us a new flight to Fort Myers which is better anyway.  The only problem, we had to go to Cleveland to get the flight and not Canton.  We were lucky to have a good friend take us up to the airport.  We had a car rented for when we got to Florida and a hotel for the night.  We were going to get up tomorrow and drive down to the keys where we have a hotel for the week.  I am finally feeling more excited.  We make it on the plane and because we were upgraded, we get to sit in first class.  Wow, pretty nice.

We make it up in the air and this is the time when I feel like I met God.  I was sitting by the window.  My husband was in the aisle seat, taking a nap.  It had been a crazy few days.  I realized as I was sitting on that plane how relaxing it was up in the clouds.  I felt like I was sitting on top of the world.  I didn’t travel too much by plane and it had been a while.  I still couldn’t believe what had happened in the last two weeks.  I felt as if it was a test and of what I don’t know.  Maybe God was trying to tell me different things especially because I had been praying everyday to be strong , listen to God and keep him in my heart.  I felt like it was so hard to do that, there is negativity everywhere.  People, jobs, events, they all seem so negative at times.  Sometimes I just wanted to curse or punch something and it was amazingly difficult to keep positive, to keep praying and to trust in God.  But, I decided then and there that I was never going to stop talking to God.  It was like God was there next to me, taking my hand and telling me to keep praying everyday and to keep asking Him to help me to stay positive and to “listen” so that I would know to make the right choices and do the right thing.

Thoughts of my kids came to my mind and I asked God about them.  I wished that they would “grow up”.  They were adults but why did they choose to make their lives so much more difficult than it has to be?  Drugs had taken over my stepson.  I knew that only God could save him as he now sat in prison again.  My oldest daughter was doing pretty good, but it seemed like she was always struggling.  And my youngest daughter had decided to hang out with a guy who had no future, who was also involved with drugs.  It literally broke my heart.  I asked God to please take care of all of them and to keep them safe.

There were lots of questions that I knew God would answer in his own time.  I felt at that moment so close to Him up in the clouds that He was really hearing me and that I finally was able to really meet Him and really tell Him about myself…I know that God knows me, that He made me and knows my path.  All I have to do is listen to Him.  At that moment, I knew He heard me and that He really knew who I was.

Now, months later, I still know that God hears me.  I keep praying, asking God to lead me and help me to keep the faith.  I beg for the strength to give it all to Him and LISTEN.  And you know what, He does!

Feel Good Sun 11/17

Isn’t it amazing to think about the power of the sun?  It can totally brighten up a dreary day and a dreary bad mood.  I think that the sun just makes things look a lot better.  Yes, I know that it is November, it is dreary a lot of the times, and it’s getting colder.  But wouldn’t it be nice to see the beauty in everyday instead of always being negative?  As we get into the winter season, we tend to get depressed.  There is nothing really to do once Christmas is over and a lot of us have to hunker down and stay inside.  It can get sad and miserable especially if you live up North like I do.  Ohio is very gray during the winter months and you have to really work hard to stay positive.

I read a little while ago about an exercise that can really help your mind in the winter and actually something that you may want to do everyday.  I prefer the old school way…using a notebook.  Every morning, write down the date and “5 Things”… during the day, think about 5 things that you are blessed to have, things that let you know that there is a higher power, things that amaze you and anything that makes you stop and take a long look.  Now, what do I mean by that.  First of all, this will enable you to really think about the wonders of your day instead of the crap that we all get bogged down with on a daily basis.  Think of the things in your life that you honestly could not live without and the things that really cause you to think about God, like a rainbow, the miracle of hearing about a sick person who is suddenly feeling better, realizing the love of your life, anything that to you seems like a miracle.  Take a look at the things in your daily life that make you stop, take a breath and really see the beauty.

Once I started to do this, I really began to feel better and that feeling lasted even on the dreary, rainy days.  There were days that I could name many “miracles” and even went over just 5.  Other days, I had to really struggle to get to 5 and many days I only could list 1.  There is no right or wrong to this exercise and everyone’s ideas of miracles are different.  But I bet that if you start this, you will definitely feel better, feel a peace in your heart and be a cheerful, positive person, even in the dead of winter.

Be positive and enjoy your weekend!

Donna

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